Things have changed

    So obviously, I'm not very consistent with my blogging. I have been writing and editing this single blog post for a week and a half now. But have kept up with my photography! At the very least, I have photos to show you to make up for the massive gap in my blog. Life has been growing and I can feel it honestly now from within.

    Before it was just so much pain, similar to when you're young and sprouting things hurt and you just can't figure out why. I was experiencing panic attacks for hours and days sometimes, feeling hopeless and in complete despair. Despite it I became proactive in making myself better. It was either learn to figure out how to enjoy this life or the alternative. Luckily every day gets better. I have been seeing many doctors, and things have been looking up. Although, It has been one of the slowest processes I have ever experienced.

   And healing takes constant practice. Letting go to the ebb and flow of life can be quite challenging for me personally. I absorb any and all emotions around me and it can feel really overwhelming. I have overcome it though. I'm able to stay within myself now. 

 In the past few months I have linked up with a local magazine, Flora|Fauna. Not writing, but taking photos for them. I've stepped out of my comfort zone so much, even with all my social anxiety and issues from friendships in the past (that shit legit gave me ptsd). 

 

 Cierra for Flora|Fauna photo by me

Cierra for Flora|Fauna photo by me

 This year of my story has been a quite terrifying for me, my stepfather is terminal, I've had nonstop infections every 3 weeks for 7 months now, my mental health issues, weight gain, it has just been a lot to try and defeat. All this while trying to plan a wedding that I'm worried people won't show up for. The struggle is real. 

   Ive been attempting to find comfort in the process of constant learning, I have to be more comfortable learning from others and letting go. I know I'm stubborn and can come off as a bit of an ass, but I only do it out of learned behavior from childhood, and I'm trying to change to see people more openly and imperfectly perfect, to trust more. The only issue is that I find that there are still those out there that will take advantage of you, and it can trip me up.  

  

 

 Kyle Emerson for Flora|Fauna photo by me

Kyle Emerson for Flora|Fauna photo by me

   The imposter syndrome can be real. Especially with how artists are treated here in the industry. Everyone wants your work but no one wants to pay for it. And when they do pay you they low ball you literally every step of the way. It outrageous, especially when your rates are already considerably low for the amount of work and effort you put into things. 

   It takes a toll on me and my work. People cramming everything within an hour and not hiring a team, expecting you to be a set director, creative director and photographer all at the same time. What it does is lead to a less effective shoot, things can look lukewarm. 

  I guess what I'm trying to say throughout this post is that I'm still alive and kicking, I'm still working, I'm not backing down, I'm being professional, I'm following up and through. I don't have time for games, I want people to start being fully honest and straight forward, because that's definitely how I'm going to be with you.  

  

 My best friend Brittany

My best friend Brittany

Till next time,

Ash